I don’t know.
That phrase I have muttered to myself consistently for the last month. It has been over a month since my last article, and for good reason; I don’t know.
Tonight and almost every night I wrestle with the belief that I am not enough and that I do not do enough for God’s kingdom. I know the first one is false and that the second is somewhat true, but is a book still being written. But still, as someone who hyper-analyzes almost every single detail in his life, I still feel like I am on a holiday. I found God again last year, and around that time, Lecrae had dropped his latest album, Reconstruction. Listening to the album one by one, he paints a picture of a man rebuilding his life upon a firm foundation, Christ, but to begin the reconstruction, you must first come to terms with where you went wrong. The one song that provides the clearest image of this is Holidaze. Below are some of the lyrics from it.
It’s a paradox seekin’ paradise
Thought I’d try my luck and roll it up like a pair of dice
Took a break from being present in the presence of a lesson
I ain’t tryna hear the message, I escape the pain with pleasure, uh
This was my life during my years 20 through 22 on this earth. I grew tired of the faith after being beaten down consistently by a pastor who should have built me up. The pastor had left before I reached the age of 20, but the lingering weaponization of corporate Christianity made me exhausted, so a paradise that came that August was a welcome surprise. I knew what I was doing and that who I was with was wrong, but it felt so good at the time, so why shouldn’t I have a break from chasing Christ?
This random congruence of thoughts that I call “IDK” will hopefully share my thinking behind what I have been going through. With all respect to Lecrae, I leave this introductory section with some more of his lyrics:
If I had to say it honestly
I was too afraid to face my demons
‘Cause I wanted what they promised me
June and July have been months of inner introspection for me. During these months, I think back on my past relationship, I write down things that I want to post, I listen to music and see lyrics in a different light, and I have strayed further from God yet feel closer than ever. I listen to Lecrae, Brandon Lake, and Post Malone religiously and remember where and who I was when I first listened to their songs. Songs like “Nosedive,” “Firm Foundation,” “Spare Change,” and a multitude more make me realize the kind of life and world I live in. A life and world full of pleasure and self-service, one that disregards all things God and empathetic. It pains my soul yet brings me such pleasure, as a war is being waged in my soul and flesh.
As I listen to “What Don’t Belong to Me” by Post Malone, I see myself with my ex, singing at the top of our lungs, not paying attention to the lyrics. Not realizing that those lyrics provided a 1:1 comparison of our modern relationship.
I can wrap a rope around the moon, Tie it up and drag it down to you, Honey, if you ask me to, You know I’d try it, I can put some diamonds ’round your neck, Dancin’ in a ruby red sunset, Girl, if you don’t wanna land this jet, Let’s keep on flyin’
Every string, Every chord, My guitar, I’ll give you everything, In the world, But my heart
Cuz I gave half to them half-way lovers, I left some to them two drunk summers, Left a piece at the bar with the keys to my car, I know I’m never gettin’ it back, I lost a lot to that whiskey sippin’, I gave the rest to that rock star livin’,
Take all of me, but there’s one thing missin’, Baby, I can’t give you what don’t belong to me
For me, those two drunk summers were actually a decade-long struggle with depression, fear, anxiety, and self-hate. That rock star livin’ was me being alone in my thoughts every day and night for years on end, wondering why God let me fall into this pit. I remember all the therapists I went to, starting when I was in the 4th grade, and how they told me to reach up to God because He was reaching down to lift me from my pit of despair. What they didn’t realize is what does a 9-year-old kid do when he does not know how to lift his hands? How do you make sense of his feelings when he himself cannot understand why he isn’t normal like other kids? That when he gets to class each morning, he doesn’t have to worry about his parents dying and taking care of his special needs sister. Or that him losing the only thing he ever loved and enjoyed and was really good at is not his identity? How can a human being who has been on this earth for just 9 years and has only ever known panic truly understand the God who holds him in His hands? That graduating high school just to medically withdraw from his first semester in college is not a failure but a stepping stone to the man he will become? How could he know if he cannot see the future but can only realize in the moment when he writes this article?
That was the life story that brought me to a worldly relationship with my ex. Not to mention the baggage that she carried as well from a family unlike mine. So yes, I jumped at the chance at a relationship that was like the ones I had grown up watching on television and in movies.
The modern structure of relationships consists of secrets, journeys, sin, joy, lust, mistakes, and shortcomings never before seen in previous generations. Yes, of course, it mirrors things from days gone past, but tell me: when has there ever been a memory storage of everyone’s worst fears, experiences, truths, and heartbreaks that anyone could shove into your face at any time?
You used to be able to move towns to get away from your past, or undertake a new “identity” and create a fresh start for yourself; no more. There is no escape. And so for youngsters like myself, finding someone without the scars and flaws is impossible. But maybe it was not supposed to be that way. And maybe that is where I failed in my past relationship. Instead of embracing my scars and flaws, I ignored them. I threw them off and ignored warning signs that should have told me that I was straying further and further from God.
Instead of realizing that I was the only one who could make decisions for myself, I chose to hyperanalyze hers.
Instead of remembering to forget and forgive, I chose to hone in on finding an edge for a future argument or an escape hatch.
“Well, she did this back then, so why should I stay or change?” “Well, since she did that, she wouldn’t ever change, so why should I try?” “If she ever brings this up, I’ll bring that up to get back at her.”
It is like a tit-for-tat war that we embroil ourselves in nowadays. We always bring up each other’s faults and failures to make ourselves feel better. We say, “My sin or past isn’t as bad as theirs.” How ruthless are we! Maybe I think too negatively, but I will let you be the judge of that, because in my heart of hearts, I know my past is my fault alone; I have no one else to blame. And to me, that is freeing. But it is also devastating. All the times I allowed myself to see the bad over the good, to see the worst over the joy, it makes me wonder how much I have missed, and how much I have lost. But not seeing the bad for what it actually was was equally as damaging to our relationship. We ran in circles knowing that we were destroying each other because we chose to “fix” the other rather than fixing ourselves.
Seasons change, and our love went cold, Feed the flame ’cause we can’t let go, Run away, but we’re running in circles. Run away, run away
I dare you to do something, I’m waiting on you again, so I don’t take the blame, Run away, but we’re running in circles, Run away, run away, run away
Maybe you don’t understand what I’m going through, It’s only me, what you got to lose?, Make up your mind, tell me, what are you gonna do? It’s only me, let it go
Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic, but I see myself and her in those lyrics. It is a worldly song, but it is full of modern wisdom. We both knew we were not good for each other, yet as friends, we got along. Partially because of the joy and wonder the world provided, and the feeling of being untethered from a life of servitude to God felt incredible. Sin is fun and full of pleasure, but it is also full of death. As I started seeing the Circles we were running in, I saw how I was also running away from God. The nights that were full of sex, of alcohol, of partying, and choosing pleasure over reality. The nights where I knew what I was doing was wrong but I did it anyway, where I chose her feelings and my own over returning to God. The sin of letting go each night to just enjoy life, the sin of becoming one with the world with the people I surrounded myself with and who I became. A man drunk on pleasure and the fleeting promise of happiness from the world and from a girl.
Why? Because I was a coward who enjoyed his sin.
I wonder if she noticed the circles we were running in too? And I wonder if she did and if I had the nerve to put a stop to it, could things have worked out differently? Would we both have taken this journey back towards God? Could I have saved a soul? I cry whenever I think of this. I pray she forgives me, and forgive me, Lord, for not being a godly man, like those who molded me growing up. I shame myself for the life I have lived. I had such great teachers, and for what? Just so I could throw it all away when I first stepped foot into the real world?
I think of the song Wish by Lecrae.
And I probably passed on a whole lot of truth, But I know about a whole lot of lies...
If I could change the clock, Man I’d change a lot, And I probably wouldn’t be so selfish, I woulda gave a lot, Man I’m ashamed of that…
But time just fades away, I probably wish too much, I know I pray less than I should, I know I did too much, I take it all back if I could
I wish I didn’t do it but I did it, Man it happened last night, Man I wish I would try to act like you ain’t never lost your sight
Maybe all of this is my soul warring within me, wondering about standing with Christ before God Almighty, having to recount all my experiences and failures.
I’m quite scared of what’s right and fair
How I fare in eternity
Will I hear well done when he turn to me?
Will I hear you care too much
About all of this stuff that really don’t matter?
You chase the wind and you won it
Got to the top of a two foot ladder
What’s after I can capture all this mess my heart was after?
Will I end up empty handed when I stand before my master?
Did I master the mathematics of a passive disaster?
Adding my selfish ambition
All the while, subtracting what matters
Will He say that to me? Because if He did, I would not blame Him. I focused on the girl rather than the King. I focused on the world rather than being His hands and feet. I focused on myself rather than accepting the free grace and forgiveness that He sent His own Son to die for. What a wretch of a man I am, that I would take the freest gift of grace ever known to humanity and throw it away because I wanted to forget my pain.
But then I remember that sweet phrase Christ said before He passed from this world.
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
But then again, I did know, so what excuse do I have?
Why is it so hard for me to accept the grace God has bestowed upon me? To forgive all my sins and shortcomings and wash them clean as if they were never there? But then I ask myself, why do I think that I can earn forgiveness? What in this world makes me think that anyone can earn a pardon? In this man-made world, imperfect justice reigns. The rich and the guilty are safer than the poor and the innocent. So why do I strive to wipe my own slate clean when there is only One who can?
I wish time wasn’t something I had to live through, but I thank God that there is still time to make a change.
I think to myself, why are You so good? And the only honest answer I have is, I don’t know, but I thank You that You are.
